Begin again.

The cost of freedom is high today. So high. To be alive is to say I’m going to push against the evil in the world and fight for what is good and true and loving.

To be alive is also to know that fighting is sometimes standing still, and refusing to engage. To not speak to the lies. Let them dissolve in their own foolish time. The stuff of love will stand.

I have an ache today. It's something of a familiar feeling, like one I'm going to settle in with for some time. Grabbing a good grip on something quite heavy and starting to move. Recently, some friends and I arrived at a hard truth that "there may be no significant fundamental change in our lives." The limp, the gash, the bruise, the weight, the burn, the luggage, the hole, the fear. Most of what I can hope for is a community that allows me to put those things out in front of me from time to time and receive some tenderness and mercy.

"The man who is not afraid to admit everything that he sees to be wrong with himself, and yet recognizes that he may be the object of God's love precisely because of his shortcomings, can begin to be sincere. His sincerity is based on confidence, not in his illusions about himself, but in the endless, unfailing mercy of God. No man is an island." T. Merton.

Thoughts from the air.

"…Love is a strangely circular process. For the process of extending one’s self is an evolutionary process. When one has successfully extended one’s limits, one has then grown into a larger state of being…" M.S.Peck

David Deida writes that I should stop considering that I’ll one day complete it. I will never finish the work. So I keep at it, as that is what defines me as a man. Bringing my unique gift to the world, for the richness it brings to my life and the larger community. Not to settle for small scraps and toleration of small robberies.

About 6 years ago I hit a wall, and all I wanted was to stop. I kept working just enough to get through. I put off many things. It was an important wall to hit, because through that process, I came to understand that what I was doing wasn’t getting me where I wanted to be. It’s like that wack-a-mole game. I kept holstering that silly hammer thing, and another mole would pop up.

There was great fear in that behavior. I didn’t think I had the ability to do more. And that pushed me further towards accepting the idea that I don’t have what it takes. It was a terribly adolescent way of operating. Living for the next moment that was free from demand, and pissing off every time something was asked of me that forced me beyond myself.

That is a sad way to love. A shitty way to live. There is so much of life to lose with that type of approach to relationships, vocation, spirituality. When I am still (like right now, as I’m on a plane, well aware of life’s brevity) I can get into the anger of it – but underneath is a great grief. Why did these lessons come so late? What have I done? And what has this cost me and those I love?

I see in Peck’s words and encouragement towards risking it all towards becoming more. A larger state of being. Thanks be to God for promising to make all things new. I cling tightly to that promise in this moment, and to the hope of the future…all the while, feeling the freedom to lean out past the cautionary lines.

New Adam.

I've just come off of another fantastic weekend where I got to help some men reckon with their stories. Some of the agreements and compromises they've made from childhood thru adulthood are pushed to the surface and embodied. Not unlike pushing an elephant up the stairs. Only no peanuts are involved. Maybe that would help this go faster. I didn't take photos of the event, but did grab some moments from the preparation and walk through that captured the shared love all the men that have been through the weekend previously. Love for each other, and the process.



The Holy Scott, closer than a brother.



Dan, new friend from a weekend I wasn't on, and Glenn, who is all about freedom and liberty...and has spoken truth to me for years now.



Ray, who should get an Academy Award for the way he embodies things in the work. Such a help.

There's more to say. For now, just a few images of what such work produces. Hope and community.