Thursday, March 20, 2008

Thoughts from the air.

"…Love is a strangely circular process. For the process of extending one’s self is an evolutionary process. When one has successfully extended one’s limits, one has then grown into a larger state of being…" M.S.Peck

David Deida writes that I should stop considering that I’ll one day complete it. I will never finish the work. So I keep at it, as that is what defines me as a man. Bringing my unique gift to the world, for the richness it brings to my life and the larger community. Not to settle for small scraps and toleration of small robberies.

About 6 years ago I hit a wall, and all I wanted was to stop. I kept working just enough to get through. I put off many things. It was an important wall to hit, because through that process, I came to understand that what I was doing wasn’t getting me where I wanted to be. It’s like that wack-a-mole game. I kept holstering that silly hammer thing, and another mole would pop up.

There was great fear in that behavior. I didn’t think I had the ability to do more. And that pushed me further towards accepting the idea that I don’t have what it takes. It was a terribly adolescent way of operating. Living for the next moment that was free from demand, and pissing off every time something was asked of me that forced me beyond myself.

That is a sad way to love. A shitty way to live. There is so much of life to lose with that type of approach to relationships, vocation, spirituality. When I am still (like right now, as I’m on a plane, well aware of life’s brevity) I can get into the anger of it – but underneath is a great grief. Why did these lessons come so late? What have I done? And what has this cost me and those I love?

I see in Peck’s words and encouragement towards risking it all towards becoming more. A larger state of being. Thanks be to God for promising to make all things new. I cling tightly to that promise in this moment, and to the hope of the future…all the while, feeling the freedom to lean out past the cautionary lines.

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