Unnatural Being.

Lent is weighing heavily upon me in the best way this morning. By limiting myself recently, I experienced everything necessary for a full-feeling life. Grace with my whole self. I wish it weren’t so hard sometimes, and that’s ok. That’s not to knock me from what I need right now.

My heart is alive today because of this work. Peck writes that “Indeed, all self-discipline might be defined as teaching ourselves to do the unnatural. Another characteristic of human nature – perhaps the one that makes us most human – is our capacity to do the unnatural, to transcend and hence transform our own nature.”

Just as I receive in my heart that life is hard, and immediately transcend that truth to see life get easier…the same is true here. When I live a discipline, it transcends human inclination to get what’s easy. I’m unnatural. Changed. That makes this a huge feat of heart.

It’s the vision of what’s ahead that makes this painful, especially as I confront that pain ahead of life’s schedule on my terms. I’m aching now for what I can only imagine and I’m aching for what’s around me now.

Did I mention this all feels like jogging in water?

In moments of pity, I want to rewrite, edit, and fracture my life into the version of myself I want only put forward. This is going to sound strange, yet I feel great regret for much of where life has gone. What do I do with that feeling?

God knows I want good things, and I get tired of the same conversations. But I’m not satisfied today. I keep with it this morning. It means even tonight, going and sitting in the presence of people that have their mind made up about me. That have me assessed and figured out. In the hope of a bigger story full of more beauty, some days with head down, I keep moving. Standing still looks like withholding forgiveness. It looks like anger. Moving is sadness, forgiveness, hope and authentic joy, all hard-fought.

"I only have this morning…I don’t want to stand still, I just wanna freewheel, I don’t wanna lose this."