Thursday, January 24, 2008

God speaks to Gene Kelly, etc.

I’m feeling a sense of home that I haven’t had in some time. Some of that is to do with the plain and simple fact of being home more. But that said, there seems more to that feeling than a physical space.

It’s presented an opportunity to advance, I believe. I’m not working off my back foot right now. For whatever reason, I’ll call it God’s goodness, I’m leaning into my hope. Some of it came from a rather intense meeting with my band of brothers. I arrived angry, and I didn’t fully know why.

Uncharacteristically, we broke off from the work we usually engaged in to pray for some things that weighed heavily on many hearts in the room. My prayer was not like I’ve prayed before. My prayer was the work I needed to do. It amounted to this:

God, I don’t believe You have anything to say to me right now. And I don’t understand why. I’m alone in ways I never thought I’d be before, and I expected to hear from You in this state. And I don’t. And it makes me ache. I look around and see those in my life aching. Going off the deep end. Hurting, with no indication of a move to make. The obvious moves mean more loss. Have mercy, would You? Have mercy on my friends. Have mercy on me, God. I want to know You hear me. I want to know this matters.

The rest of the story isn’t blogable, but I want to say that I left that night knowing it matters. And that was a good gift to me.

My heart, my mind and my body are in the fight today. Fighting against the fear, the reasons not to try, fighting for the tears and goodness on the other side of this work. When I go a couple of years back in this blog, I see that the best of me was found in those seasons where I fought. Fought to stay awake and present. Every little change was hard-fought ground. And it didn’t really feel all that much better. But it was full of so much life, and that’s what I want more of today.

4 Comments:

Blogger mrs metaphor said...

"But it was full of so much life, and that’s what I want more of today."

...this is a good place to be...wrap up that piece and keep it close.

9:40 PM

 
Blogger inajar said...

*...hugs...*

11:05 AM

 
Blogger ohchicken said...

so much lub.

4:23 PM

 
Blogger McWorth said...

Thanks for your honesty in your blog. Your music over the years has been a great encouragement to me. If I could encourage you in return that would be great. My Pastor is currently preaching a series on Exodus entitled "Do not be afraid". Last night sermon particularly spoke to me. If you want to check it out or hear a Scottish Pastor from Glasgow Scotland here is the link:

http://www.thetron.org/media/frames3.php?series=08SuPMExod&selected=080127pm%20%20Exodus%202&q=16&mid=16/080127pm%20%20Exodus%202_s.mp3&passage=Exodus%202:11-22#080127pm%20%20Exodus%202

Please don't take this as "I know just what you need..." because I don't!

A scottish brother,
McWorth

4:29 PM

 

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