The guaranteed reward.

Did you do the right thing? Did you make the proper choice? Did it give you a sense of "ALRIGHT, I'm not wrong about this, and many people I know ARE!" No one was looking, and you demonstrated integrity. Given a great opportunity to cherry pick something SO easy - and you left it hanging. The feeling welled up inside, the adrenaline started pumping. And you pushed the impulse down underground. You didn't say the thing that you could have. Did that feel good not to respond as you know you could have and definitely had a right to do?

Where were the acknowledgements? Not guaranteed? What?! Where was the "Good Job!" Was that unspoken? Was the cupcake/candy/sweet thing/treat not waiting for you? OK, at least the warm feeling, right?

Nope. I'm tasting the indifference these days. We aren't promised any of the encouragements. I actually live that that's not true. I'm entitled! That's what I'm having to unlearn. In fact, somedays I feel like doing the right thing got me in more shit than had I not. That's exactly what I wasn't told growing up. Especially about the Gospel.

There is a lot of undoing to be done. It’s probably going to mean sitting in the awkwardness and emptiness more than would feel natural. I want to know this pain in a way I can name it, and be present enough to emerge from it as someone still with something to offer family and friends.

That's from a blog entry I did 2 years ago. Things don't seem to get clearer.

It should and does get more difficult. Being alive to my story is so hard sometimes, I want to go back to sleep. Which is why I am desperate for my community of friends. I need help carrying the weight. There are days where we need to be carried. Days where we need to carry someone. Maybe the knowledge of such intimates is itself the unspoken and seemingly illusive reward.