flibbityfluent

Very Nice, Very Nice

2008-12-18T19:53:00.003-06:00

Hey friends. It's been too long. I've received more than one suggestion to get back on the horse here. This is foundational to some other aspects of life for me, and part of me is lost not having done much processing here. I hope to commit to more of this in the future, more often.

As a return to form, a wonderful avante garde movie from Arthur Lipsett, that I thought was groovy. From 1961. Dig it.

"Warmth and brightness will return, a renewal in the hopes of men."

Celtic Wisdom in Norway...

2008-07-04T21:07:00.006-05:00

“Once the soul awakens, the search begins and you can never go back. From then on, you are inflamed with a special longing that will never again let you linger in the lowlands of complacency and partial fulfillment. The eternal makes you urgent. You are loath to let compromise or the threat of danger hold you back from striving toward the summit of fulfillment.”

O'Donohue - Anam Cara
__

About 5 years ago, I started kicking a hole in my private universe. Some light got in. It’s brought with it so many new words and feelings that I’m just now accessing a way to talk about it. It has bent my soul in a manner that won’t allow me to forget how life used to be, nor overlook the new mysteries of how life is unfolding.

There is no standing still. No going back. I know that truth. I’ve experienced a lot of communal grace in the last year that has kept me taking those steps forward. To continue the process of healing. And for what? What is the what? Driving along the seaside of Norway helps with that contemplative space. All I see is one beautiful, continuing coastline.

As I take it in, I’m attempting to cast a further vision for my life, past present uncertainties.
I have this moment. This day.
This community of friends, lovers, poets and prophets.
A heart that hungers for creative questioning and life collaborating.
I want to know more love. More beauty. More truth. All more fully.
A language that helps reconcile my brokenness, expresses shared longings, and invites further exploration.
I want to be more free with myself.
And I want to learn how to give it away with humility and grace.

Today I AM knowing love, beauty and truth. And the longing doesn’t appear to stop. That’s the reconciliation in this moment. All the love, beauty, truth, and new language to speak of it will never put it to it’s end. So, a compelling vision today looks like engaging with the newfound ache of joy and pain as a perpetual student and teacher…a wounded healer with an undying passion for the alleluia and the amen.

“Everything alive is in movement. This movement we call growth. The most exciting form of growth is not mere physical growth but the inner growth of one’s soul and life. It is here that the holy longing within the heart brings one’s life into motion. The deepest wish of the heart is that this motion does not remain broken or jagged but develops sufficient fluency to become the rhythm of one’s life.”

O'Donohue - Anam Cara

Vacational calling…

2008-06-28T13:19:00.006-05:00

I’m just on the other side of 10 days in London, with a day and a half in Paris in the middle of it. I spent a few months there under different circumstances, many years ago, and it was magical returning to experience it this way. There is still shock that it happened. Financially, I wasn’t in the position to do it, but with some thanks to frequent flyer miles, dreams advance. I’ve not had a lot of time to write – or more honestly – I’ve wondered if what has happened to my head and heart were believable to me, let alone to others, that I could sit and write it to you.

On this day, I can still access moments on the trip where I looked at the beauty around me…looked at my hands…listened to myself breathing. I had to make sure it was me, there. Still shaking off fear. Experiencing the wonder of new life. Hope. It wrecks me to think about it too often. Gratitude, tears, a deep exhale…all caught up in a simple remembrance…the sun, a garden, a curry, a headache, a ticket stub, an outstretched hand, a song. A new song.

Every day there seems to be a new welling. And a new assertion. I’m seeing my life and some of the pieces shuffle about in ways that lead to the biggest smiles I’ve had in years…and some of the most healing tears.

I am…we are…prisoners of hope. Those who are bound to belief. This morning, John O’Donohue offered words to these indescribable feelings.

FOR A NEW BEGINNING

In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the grey promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.

Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plenitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life’s desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

__

I have glimpsed this terrifying and beautiful world, and I want to take it further into my being today.

Dr. Jimmy and Traditional Understanding

2008-06-26T06:48:00.004-05:00

Naked As We Came...

2008-06-19T07:39:00.002-05:00

For a smile: play, listen, repeat.

2008-05-28T20:23:00.001-05:00

Begin again.

2008-05-10T10:21:00.003-05:00

The cost of freedom is high today. So high. To be alive is to say I’m going to push against the evil in the world and fight for what is good and true and loving.

To be alive is also to know that fighting is sometimes standing still, and refusing to engage. To not speak to the lies. Let them dissolve in their own foolish time. The stuff of love will stand.

I have an ache today. It's something of a familiar feeling, like one I'm going to settle in with for some time. Grabbing a good grip on something quite heavy and starting to move. Recently, some friends and I arrived at a hard truth that "there may be no significant fundamental change in our lives." The limp, the gash, the bruise, the weight, the burn, the luggage, the hole, the fear. Most of what I can hope for is a community that allows me to put those things out in front of me from time to time and receive some tenderness and mercy.

"The man who is not afraid to admit everything that he sees to be wrong with himself, and yet recognizes that he may be the object of God's love precisely because of his shortcomings, can begin to be sincere. His sincerity is based on confidence, not in his illusions about himself, but in the endless, unfailing mercy of God. No man is an island." T. Merton.

Hiatus.

2008-03-28T10:56:00.005-05:00

"Can you imagine what it is to cross an ocean? For weeks you see nothing but the horizon. Perfect and empty. You live in the grip of fear. Fear of storms. Fear of sickness on board. Fear of the immensity.

So you must drive that fear deep into your belly. Study your charts. Watch your compass. Pray for a fair wind. And hope. Pure, naked, fragile hope.

At first it's no more than a haze on the horizon. So you watch. You watch. And it's a smudge. A shadow on the far water. For a day. For another day. The stain slowly spreads along the horizon, taking form...until on the third day you let yourself believe. You dare to whisper the word "land." Land. Life. Resurrection. A true adventure, coming out of the vast unknown, out of the immensity, into new life. That, your Majesty, is the new world."

Sir Walter Raleigh (Clive Owen) from the movie "Elizabeth: The Golden Age"
_______

I'm signing off for just a month. In my own way, I dare to whisper the word. Know that while we sleep, everything has changed.

Thoughts from the air.

2008-03-20T14:48:00.003-05:00

"…Love is a strangely circular process. For the process of extending one’s self is an evolutionary process. When one has successfully extended one’s limits, one has then grown into a larger state of being…" M.S.Peck

David Deida writes that I should stop considering that I’ll one day complete it. I will never finish the work. So I keep at it, as that is what defines me as a man. Bringing my unique gift to the world, for the richness it brings to my life and the larger community. Not to settle for small scraps and toleration of small robberies.

About 6 years ago I hit a wall, and all I wanted was to stop. I kept working just enough to get through. I put off many things. It was an important wall to hit, because through that process, I came to understand that what I was doing wasn’t getting me where I wanted to be. It’s like that wack-a-mole game. I kept holstering that silly hammer thing, and another mole would pop up.

There was great fear in that behavior. I didn’t think I had the ability to do more. And that pushed me further towards accepting the idea that I don’t have what it takes. It was a terribly adolescent way of operating. Living for the next moment that was free from demand, and pissing off every time something was asked of me that forced me beyond myself.

That is a sad way to love. A shitty way to live. There is so much of life to lose with that type of approach to relationships, vocation, spirituality. When I am still (like right now, as I’m on a plane, well aware of life’s brevity) I can get into the anger of it – but underneath is a great grief. Why did these lessons come so late? What have I done? And what has this cost me and those I love?

I see in Peck’s words and encouragement towards risking it all towards becoming more. A larger state of being. Thanks be to God for promising to make all things new. I cling tightly to that promise in this moment, and to the hope of the future…all the while, feeling the freedom to lean out past the cautionary lines.

Results not typical.

2008-03-17T23:32:00.006-05:00

I love that phrase - usually accompanying some guaranteed-ground-breaking-change-your-life-patterns-for-the-best-solve-your-problems product. Only subtly. Like a mumble at the end. Oh...by the way....don't get your specific hopes up that this will work for you.

The most groundbreaking thing I've heard in '08 so far, (besides Obama's "yes we can") is that life is difficult. Much of not only surviving life, but enjoying life, seems now pivoting on this truth, the choice to accept what it offers, and then move past it to the beautiful things that await such obedience.

A group of men I meet with every Monday night embody this for me. Tonight we spent a great amount of time trying to figure out how to care for some new additions to the circle. These new additions are men that went on a weekend retreat and encountered some of their most difficult truths, that cut through the old agreements and protections that a broken world has required of them just to survive. Now having seen this truth, there is a new freedom for most. A deeper conversation and a brighter hope in the midst of it all. Some men shake hands with their work and fade from it. Some stand tall in it, and catch a hopeful glimpse of what has always been waiting on the other side.

So. To consider such valiant people, fighting for good things in their lives...how do we care for them? How to shepherd them towards a lasting work, and that peace that truly passes all understanding? This hope can be accessed more easily in small numbers. Small numbers of people that are intimates of one another's stories. This pushes against the model set by most in our culture that growth is a good thing. I'm aware this week as we celebrate Easter, that growth in attendance isn't quite what Jesus was about.

It feels like there are moments I will tally up as my life flies by, where I am with someone and we connect in that cosmic manner of understanding a small bit of it at the same time, together. And in each's own way, we singularly shout back to God and the universe - in the passion of tears, anger, laughter, and love - that I am here and alive, and there's someone else who shares it with me.

The alleluia and the amen.

Ever-changing.

2008-03-15T23:50:00.005-05:00

I am not who I was, even a few months ago. There's great relief in that. One of my fears is that I'll stop growing and just talk about growth. In my age, I'll be quicker to speak than listen...dispensing the same crap to everyone that will sit while I hold court. The edges of my life will get dull and cool. I don't want to get stuck and I don't want the fire of life to die down now, after going through so much. I don't want to be the same.

I don't know if there will be any fundamental change to my personality...and maybe that's not a problem. I'm discovering parts of myself that have always been alive, always been inside me, but quite asleep. I've been challenged by a few close friends to work that out in some new risks. Some new art. I've seen it already drawn out of me by others. Love and trust will do that.

Maybe rather than fundamental change, we can find that identity will be brought to a greater fullness. Again and again, in light of the life's seasons, new risks, and hopes that move from cloudy apparition to flesh, I will continue to become that new creation I long to be - for life and love's sake.

May God grant grant us eyes to see the becoming.

Chapter 5

2008-03-14T00:50:00.003-05:00

Tom Shilder was bright. A young kid. Lots of energy. But he fiddled. Rory Steinbalm hated fiddlers. From his corner office on the 24th floor, he glared in Tom's direction, sending him hate from over his notes, across the room, through the glass door and into the receptionist's office. "Tom, get in here. And put that cup down."
Tom the intern made his way toward the office door, realizing that the hammer was about to fall. Again. But this is my time to shine, Tom thought. Every opportunity to assert his place in this dog make dog eat intern world of the music industry was a chance to prove them all wrong. Dad. That kid on the bus. His piano teacher. He put his hands on the cold metal handle and pulled the heavy glass door wide. It weighed like his conscience after deciding to take this job in London.
"We've got a problem, Tom. The studio is getting prepared as we speak. They are rolling in the cameras. They've got some good suits tailored. Everything is according to plan. However..." Rory paused.
Tom braced himself. His mind quickly racing to all the nagging questions that had no answers, as of yet. Sweat covered his brow. Oh God, he prayed. Don't let my face do that thing it does when I get really nervous. His face started to do that thing.
Rory continued,"We've got to get Phillip Bailey over the buildings and into this studio."
They sat in silence for a few minutes. Tom gathered himself.
"What about a helicopter?" Tom said instinctively.
"What the hell do you mean, a helicopter? You're insane." Rory glanced at his watch. "But it just might work."

New Adam.

2008-03-10T10:45:00.003-05:00

I've just come off of another fantastic weekend where I got to help some men reckon with their stories. Some of the agreements and compromises they've made from childhood thru adulthood are pushed to the surface and embodied. Not unlike pushing an elephant up the stairs. Only no peanuts are involved. Maybe that would help this go faster. I didn't take photos of the event, but did grab some moments from the preparation and walk through that captured the shared love all the men that have been through the weekend previously. Love for each other, and the process.

The Holy Scott, closer than a brother.

Dan, new friend from a weekend I wasn't on, and Glenn, who is all about freedom and liberty...and has spoken truth to me for years now.

Ray, who should get an Academy Award for the way he embodies things in the work. Such a help.

There's more to say. For now, just a few images of what such work produces. Hope and community.

Inadequacy.

2008-03-07T08:03:00.003-06:00

It's raining steadily outside, and I'm waiting for a member of my unholy trinity to prepare for the weekend.

Rejoice in your sense of inadequacy. That's my Bunkerism for today. These are words I need to take to heart this weekend. We are all wounded healers. Glory in the need.

Rebearding, etc.

2008-03-05T23:27:00.004-06:00

I'm so grateful for this week, and it's not hardly done. Some great conversation that doesn't lighten the load, but lightens the world around it. That's a beautiful thing.

I've had some great moments as we're writing and rehearsing material for the next batch of recordings. It's been a creative time, and I have met again the joy on the other side of pressing through difficult seasons. We got 2 songs today, and fixed another from yesterday. I anticipate the results tomorrow. I love the guys I work with, and I love to see little ideas come to mean big things. It sounds obvious to say, but we're currently finding the most powerful expression of our faith is in writing about relationships. Fancy that. Early reviews of demos from those I love and trust say we're on to something.

I'm preparing to staff a retreat this weekend. Retreat is not really the proper term. It is in all regards an advance. It's something I was a part of a few years ago, and I have found freedom in my life to live with great love as a result of the work that started there. In short, I experienced a life change. This is a gift that I get to help pass on to many others this weekend. Part of this looks like running around gathering last minute sundries, which I'll be doing tomorrow.

It's a bit of an unrefined time, and to celebrate or rather emphasize this, I've boycotted the razor. It's a fun thing to be lazy that way. And it will help me keep the edges hot. I will still find time to shower.

I hope for some insight to bring back next week.

LITTLE GIDDING

2008-03-03T23:03:00.003-06:00

(No. 4 of 'Four Quartets')
T.S. Eliot
Excerpt from IV
____
The dove descending breaks the air
With flame of incandescent terror
Of which the tongues declare
The one discharge from sin and error.
The only hope, or else despair
Lies in the choice of pyre of pyre—
To be redeemed from fire by fire.

Who then devised the torment? Love.
Love is the unfamiliar Name
Behind the hands that wove
The intolerable shirt of flame
Which human power cannot remove.
We only live, only suspire
Consumed by either fire or fire.

An excerpt from V
___
We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
Through the unknown, unremembered gate
When the last of earth left to discover
Is that which was the beginning;
At the source of the longest river
The voice of the hidden waterfall
And the children in the apple-tree
Not known, because not looked for
But heard, half-heard, in the stillness
Between two waves of the sea.
Quick now, here, now, always—
A condition of complete simplicity
(Costing not less than everything)
And all shall be well and
All manner of thing shall be well
When the tongues of flame are in-folded
Into the crowned knot of fire
And the fire and the rose are one.

Cute factor.

2008-03-01T14:53:00.006-06:00

For those of you who love Star Wars. You know who you are. From Bunkerisms to this. Manic? Nah, just taking it all in from all sources. A 3 yr old read on Star Wars. Pretty much to the point.

I'm having a blast with the E team this weekend. We got to spend the night by the fire with the wonderful Marky McCleary, found here.

Bunkerisms.

2008-02-28T20:11:00.003-06:00

This is from an email my dear friend Dave Bunker sent a few of us. He's called me to some important new spaces with my heart, and my art. Enjoy some of his "bunkerisms."

-Replace your career with your life
-Make community the center
-Believe only the submitted and the obedient
-Practice Discernment Constantly
-Serve the stranger not as a strategy but as an act of love
-Losses are rights and entitlements in servanthood
-Let your sacrifice be wise and intentional rather than blind and passive
-Dispute the claims of pathological individualism
-The demands of the market & the ruthless pursuit of profit are not the same as gravity
-Competition generates a vision of massive disorder
-Moral obligation is not a lifestyle choice
-Success is not a moral demand
-The ever deepening cost of success is the annihilation of the self
-Imagine a future that is ambitiously modest
-Launch your criticism from a position of mutual searching
-Find direction in the needs of others
-Rejoice in your sense of inadequacy
-Favor ethics over creativity
-Consciously put on the exclusion of the silenced other
-Make room for regret
-View information as capital
-Regard technology as a principality
-Design your world as if it mattered
-Consider what cynicism excludes
-Morph into a gift
-Abandon yourself at least once to the rules of community and notice your perspective
-Exploit nothing
-Regard encyclopedic mastery as diversion from the essential
-Kill the urge to be mobile
-Resist incessant reassessment
-Beware of philosophical discussions given by non-practitioners
-Negotiate ways of loving better
-Distrust the posture of arrogant certainty
-Suspect your rhetoric

Unnatural Being.

2008-02-22T09:53:00.003-06:00

Lent is weighing heavily upon me in the best way this morning. By limiting myself recently, I experienced everything necessary for a full-feeling life. Grace with my whole self. I wish it weren’t so hard sometimes, and that’s ok. That’s not to knock me from what I need right now.

My heart is alive today because of this work. Peck writes that “Indeed, all self-discipline might be defined as teaching ourselves to do the unnatural. Another characteristic of human nature – perhaps the one that makes us most human – is our capacity to do the unnatural, to transcend and hence transform our own nature.”

Just as I receive in my heart that life is hard, and immediately transcend that truth to see life get easier…the same is true here. When I live a discipline, it transcends human inclination to get what’s easy. I’m unnatural. Changed. That makes this a huge feat of heart.

It’s the vision of what’s ahead that makes this painful, especially as I confront that pain ahead of life’s schedule on my terms. I’m aching now for what I can only imagine and I’m aching for what’s around me now.

Did I mention this all feels like jogging in water?

In moments of pity, I want to rewrite, edit, and fracture my life into the version of myself I want only put forward. This is going to sound strange, yet I feel great regret for much of where life has gone. What do I do with that feeling?

God knows I want good things, and I get tired of the same conversations. But I’m not satisfied today. I keep with it this morning. It means even tonight, going and sitting in the presence of people that have their mind made up about me. That have me assessed and figured out. In the hope of a bigger story full of more beauty, some days with head down, I keep moving. Standing still looks like withholding forgiveness. It looks like anger. Moving is sadness, forgiveness, hope and authentic joy, all hard-fought.

"I only have this morning…I don’t want to stand still, I just wanna freewheel, I don’t wanna lose this."

Meanwhile...

2008-02-20T23:07:00.000-06:00

I found this in my drafts folder. Somewhere in the robbery of my G4, and return from Africa, I failed to post this. I listened to this song often in Rwanda, especially bounding down the rough roads...and on the flights home. It helped make sense of some of the sadness and beauty I experienced. I'm reminded, almost 5 months later, that the beauty in this song travels well, and continues to bring to light an abiding hope in all things. Enjoy - and if you can, track this song down, it's out of print...(or you could try to contact me)

And in between we'll work it out
Wait for another scene to come about
'Cause we have our love and that makes us free
It's never over

Meanwhile, the sky will always be
Meanwhile, the birds will always fly
Meanwhile, the earth beneath my feet
We will always be

Take a quiet step to another life
With a gentle voice to clear my mind
I can feel your soul and that makes me free
It's never over

Meanwhile, the child will always be
Meanwhile, the love will keep us free
Meanwhile, the peace I hope we'll see
We will always be

We have our love and that's all we need
It's never over

Meanwhile, the sky will always be
Meanwhile, the dove will always fly
Meanwhile, the earth beneath our feet
We will always be

Meanwhile, the words will always be
Meanwhile, the sun will always shine
Meanwhile, the truth I pray we'll find
___

Richard Page/3rd Matinee "Meanwhile"

I go through a list...

2008-02-12T10:06:00.000-06:00

Problem Solving and Time

2008-02-08T09:27:00.000-06:00

My parents divorced as I entered my freshman year of high school. It was a pivotal moment in my story, and I've born my share of wounds as a result. Safe to say, that was when I was definitively thrown from the Garden of Eden. Everyone of us has had a moment or a season like that. The discovery that the world isn't right. It has produced a lot of work that I've had to do, especially as I desire to pass to my kids the best, and limit the amount of generational shit that can fall on them. I hope freedom for myself, and for them.

The last 3 or 4 years I've spent uncovering, confronting, naming, grieving and renaming much of what has happened. It's been a helpful step in my own journey and leads me to the truest things about myself. My dad and I have become closer over the years, and I think that's to speak highly of his process, and also that as adults the nature of our engagement changes from teacher/student to comrades-in-arms...well, he's given me a book recommendation that he read during that season of his life, and it's been great to read some of my dad in this book, and hear what it has for me today. From "The Road Less Traveled":

The inclination to ignore problems is..."a simple manifestation of an unwillingness to delay gratification. Confronting problems is, as I have said, painful. To willingly confront a problem early, before we are forced to confront it by circumstances, means to put aside something pleasant or less painful for something more painful. It is choosing to suffer now in the hope of future gratification rather than choosing to continue present gratification in the hope that future suffering will not be necessary."

How does this relate to me? Let me count the ways. Richard Rohr says (here we go again) all spirituality is about what we do with our pain. I pray for courage. Love through the fear. And a spirit that transcends the truth that life is difficult.

Given over to death...for life's sake.

2008-02-06T09:56:00.001-06:00

I woke early today and made my way to Redeemer for the Ash Wednesday service. The message of this was so important to me this morning. I've been blindsided by a lot of fear that seems to come hourly. Turning this away means leaning into what I can't see right now. It's exposed some trust issues. It's revealed to me (via my friends) that I believe that I'm chronically unique. That's a very unhelpful place to be, and a harmful thing to believe for one so hungry for change. So hopeful for what's ahead I don't want to wait. Yes, yes, do you hear much fuel burning?

So, I stood today, with 10 others in a very quiet chapel. I took a mark that said in essence,"From dust I was made, and to dust I will return." It's a very important reckoning for really living life, as Richard Rohr has stated in a book I'm reading right now. It's a death and resurrection. Rohr says Jesus did not once ask us to worship him; he only told us to follow him on this necessary three-day journey. To love well, to find the life I hope for...I follow.

Real laughter is expensive.

2008-01-29T23:58:00.000-06:00

I stumbled upon this after a night with the group of guys I meet with to do work. It was a particularly demanding night, experiencing a friend's return and reconciliation to the group, the clearing of the air in some broken relationships, and the hope of an initiation experience for a friend's teenage son.

My eyes ran like leaky faucets for 3 hours. Hard and true words were shared between all. And at the end, someone said the perfect thing at the right moment, and we ALL fell out laughing. It was a laughter from the belly. Down to the toes. Involving the entire body.

My friend Ahna commented on this idea, and I agree whole-heartedly, that to understand a true joy, in Hannah Hurnard fashion, it must hold hands with, or find equal balance of sorrow, too. This is where I am today, and it has brought me great gratitude.

Everything matters.

God speaks to Gene Kelly, etc.

2008-01-24T09:16:00.000-06:00

I’m feeling a sense of home that I haven’t had in some time. Some of that is to do with the plain and simple fact of being home more. But that said, there seems more to that feeling than a physical space.

It’s presented an opportunity to advance, I believe. I’m not working off my back foot right now. For whatever reason, I’ll call it God’s goodness, I’m leaning into my hope. Some of it came from a rather intense meeting with my band of brothers. I arrived angry, and I didn’t fully know why.

Uncharacteristically, we broke off from the work we usually engaged in to pray for some things that weighed heavily on many hearts in the room. My prayer was not like I’ve prayed before. My prayer was the work I needed to do. It amounted to this:

God, I don’t believe You have anything to say to me right now. And I don’t understand why. I’m alone in ways I never thought I’d be before, and I expected to hear from You in this state. And I don’t. And it makes me ache. I look around and see those in my life aching. Going off the deep end. Hurting, with no indication of a move to make. The obvious moves mean more loss. Have mercy, would You? Have mercy on my friends. Have mercy on me, God. I want to know You hear me. I want to know this matters.

The rest of the story isn’t blogable, but I want to say that I left that night knowing it matters. And that was a good gift to me.

My heart, my mind and my body are in the fight today. Fighting against the fear, the reasons not to try, fighting for the tears and goodness on the other side of this work. When I go a couple of years back in this blog, I see that the best of me was found in those seasons where I fought. Fought to stay awake and present. Every little change was hard-fought ground. And it didn’t really feel all that much better. But it was full of so much life, and that’s what I want more of today.

Wisdom from 1983...

2008-01-15T23:49:00.000-06:00

"...nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight --
Got to kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight."

This is life. Not just vacation.

2008-01-10T18:38:00.000-06:00

So, I'm having a crazy time in Orlando with the E team. It's been a full day. I just found a stickie note that Evan had up on the wall next to his futon. It said "I LOVE this DAY!"

I was so excited to see that, I wanted to tell. His gratitude just sent me over the moon in the best way. For all the work it is to having a "working holiday," it could have come at no better time. This is a great gift to all of us. I love this day, too...especially because he loves it.

Ok, you.

2008-01-04T14:49:00.000-06:00

I'm not ready for you, and yet I'm pining for you to advance. You're full of a longing ache that can't be stopped. You're like a painful medicine that has to run deep down to fully take.

I'm afraid of the what you are going to ask of me. I want novocaine for my heart, because it hurts to even look too long at you. When I do, I see how unqualified I am for the job. I don't have what it takes. I'm not enough. There I stay fixated. On me. That's what fear of you does to me. Turns me inside. Over-analysis. Self-obsession.

Then someone tells me the truth. You're also full of promise, full of hope. A hard word is brought from a brother. Someone shines a light. I look around the room of my life, in the faces of those I love, and I see it's gonna be alright. There's hope that abides in all of this. And I can't expect to know that on my own, all the time, about you. I've got to trust community. And I've to hope that the things I give up now, and the things my life has lost, will be graced.

So, ask what you will of me, and I'll work up to the task. I'm going to fall short, curl up, choose exactly what I don't need, but it will be redeemed. What you ask doesn't require perfection, just life. So as I live, I aim to be present with you throughout. It's what I have right now to give.

And hopefully, as I say goodbye to you and welcome the next year, I'll see love, hope, and forgiveness had won, 2008. Now, geez. Start already, wouldja?

____

"What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us." Henry David Thoreau

Thanks, Ang.

Chicken w/ head cut off day

2007-12-29T10:42:00.000-06:00

What to do:
Pick up BOOMING sound system for ass-offing dance grooves at the Preemptive New Years Party.
Help decorate for said party
Prepare song for the lovely Jena's wedding tomorrow
Ready the 4 hours of music that makes the people shake it, after her wedding
Consider again that last night session guys in Nashville absolutely killed Led Zep IV, in sequence, and the returned to stage for Dancing Days, Kashmir, Whole Lotta Love, Heartbreaker, Immigrant's Song, etc., with guest vocalists that did a fantastic job. Battle of Evermore was beautiful.

I had some fear about these days in between. It's been great. I had a key lunch yesterday with my friend Eric, where once again, someone reminded me the truth about myself, and got me back into the space I needed to be in to be present. To be myself.

Made my first spinach pasta - and it was fantastic. Burnt the bread, and a finger, but I'm glad because if it went too perfectly, I'd be afraid to try again.

On to prepare...

Christmas Eve...

2007-12-25T10:18:00.001-06:00

Life is full of little rescues. They come upon me, not only when I least expect it, but when I least think I need one.

I've been down with some viral/throat/sinus fun. And my pal Thomas leaned in to me about staying active, as my family is in Maryland for a wedding. I found laughter at the Christmas Eve service at Redeemer. Sitting with new and old friends. I didn't know how to react to the words I was hearing and reading, the way my heart was listening, and the thoughts that came and went while it all proceeded. The sermon spoke of Heavenly Host singing Peace to shepherds. Because God knew then and knows now that we need it. That may have been when I laughed to myself. God knows I need it now, and His gift to me is peace.

I found comfort in the voices of many friends singing Christmas songs. It's strange that with so many amazing musicians, playing music together at gatherings is the last thing we think to do. There was just a sweet energy to the house when we sang. The best part was probably Charlie Peacock and Jeff Roach alternating on toy piano, with Kenny Meeks taking a fantastic guitar solo on Blue Christmas. The finale of Feliz Navidad that lasted 4 verses longer than it could have. I'm watching "Dancing at Lughnasa" while I write and it's not unlike the feeling they got when the wireless starting playing irish dance tunes. A gradual eruption into joy.

I'm headed to the Dente house today. It will be sweet. We'll play FIFA soccer on the Xbox, drink some belgian goodness, and just be together, which is easy there. And so enjoyable. It's a house of love over there.

So, today, it's quiet. And I'm still sick. But I've found a piece of happiness in where life has me today. I'm feeling powerfully naive and hopeful somehow. I was reminded again last night - in the church bells of England, the singing masses, and the single candle I held, the laughter - the story is true. Peace is here. Happy Christmas!

Now you see it...

2007-12-22T22:48:00.000-06:00

Live through this...

2007-12-16T00:36:00.000-06:00

I'm in Oklahoma, and there are large trees split from the raining and freezing. It's winter with a less beautiful bent. More of an angry manner to it. Something about the cold and a new city each day that settles heavily on my shoulders. We're wrapping up the tour this weekend, and I'm excited to tolerate this weather from my home.

This has been a fantastic show for us. A great tour. We've gotten in front of lots of folks, and enjoyed every moment performing these songs. I'm really grateful.

So, the itunes has been sorted again. Today I was wrapping some gifts for the kids, and letting itunes have its way. This was something that came up, and I recalled the video, which is perfect for the season. A fantastic song, too. "There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave..." More FlibbiTV.

Happily chased by the Beatles, Radiohead. Or, am I my own Gene Kelly?

2007-12-13T11:01:00.000-06:00

We left Nashville in "small business owner mode" doing our best to butter up retailers on Tuesday, and this fell smack dab in the middle of our days off at home. So we opted to spend a day off in Austin, a good midway point between gigs. This meant I got to spend a day with the glowing and lovely Bananie.

After some solo retail therapy, she picked me up and drove to a great coffee shop to camp out. Kid A provided the soundtrack as we began what was for me a cathartic day. There is so much life in sitting with someone I love, and sharing our stories. So much life in just being together. I laughed more than I have in a long time, and accessed some sadness that has been hovering for a while now. I feel like I got some traction. I was aware in the littlest things of how our lives are strangely woven together, and how much that matters.

Entering her second trimester, like most moms-to-be, nausea is a given, and energy comes and goes like a mysterious wind (so I've been told, heh.)...well, Annie was incredible, and we actually lasted through lots of shopping (to a Beatles/Radiohead soundtrack EVERYWHERE we went - just coincidence?) a great meal at the Clay Pit, a fantastic Indian restaurant and ended the night with some Pogues, Crowded House, and Beatles at the Ginger Man, a groovy Texas pub. What a trooper!

This has helped set the table for the next space in life for me. I'm not going to be the creepy guy living in my own basement. There's plenty of individual work to do. I get that. But my hope is balance. Use some of the time I have this season to get in front of the people I love and be with them.

Sweet isn't even the word. It was life-giving...somehow life-affirming. It's that warm feeling deep down inside that you can't explain, that makes you happy to know a friend and know a friend's love.

New season.

2007-11-28T21:52:00.000-06:00

I'm happy to be posting again.

Life is up and running a bit, but there is still so much left to be sorted through. One help has been a new computer...much continued love to Bananie. It's allowed me to catch up on lots of paperwork and stay more connected. I've cut losses from the robbery, and I'm pretty excited for what's ahead.

One of the best breaths of life I've received lately has been the group of couples that I've known for a few years that have been moving intentionally towards living authentically, together. I've known the guys in the group for over 3 years, and walked through the fire with them. Their spouses have also been on a similar journey, and to see it lived out in their lives together is inspiring to me. It's a big gathering of 5 families. Lots of kids.

We're from different backgrounds, with stories uniquely our own, and yet the similarities run deep. We are broken people, committing to do life together. I'm slowing understanding that this is part of how I understand the Gospel. This is how I become the man I want to be. This is who I'm becoming; who I've become. We are communally constructed.

This picture is from a game night we had, playing Dread Pirate. So much fun. At this point, I'd become the Dread Pirate, and Joe, who is physically more pirate than any of us, gave me his personal spoils after I defeated him. Unfortunately, this didn't keep up through the end of the night. I eventually lost all my pirate booty. But I did leave with a new name, as I was giving it all away by the end of the game.

Friends, welcome the Love Pirate.

Missing pieces...

2007-11-03T18:12:00.001-05:00

I was at IKEA buying some furniture. My dad had come from Illinois to help transport, in his pickup truck. I rented a uhaul. We had big hopes. I am REALLY happy with what I got. Well, in one day we rocked it to Atlanta, ate swedish meatballs, shopped for EVERYTHING and started to head home. Upon loading the truck, we discovered my dad's pickup had been broken into...

Our "friend" made off with my Timbuk2 computer bag which contained:
My g4 powerbook, which had:
all my pictures not backed up since '06...including the recent trip to Kenya and Rwanda.
My harddrive, which had:
all my music, not backed up since '06.
Most tragically, my moleskin notebook which had:
a few letters I'd written, never to send.
reflections and thoughts about our experience in the villages.
a few songs, yet to be written.

My heart is sad for that. Especially the thoughts and songs. The "gold" I brought home from my trip has been stolen. Granted, it's here inside, somewhere. But it will take more work to access that. And I'm pretty weary. Blech. What a year for a new year.

Happy returns...

2007-10-29T14:43:00.000-05:00

I returned home Friday from Rwanda. Many, many hours on the plane. Lots of writing and music, to help access the heart and head connection. Lots of deep sighs, like something is exiting my spirit. A birthday party at the fantastically trendy "Cabana" reminded me of how out of place I can feel in places like that. Given where I had been 24 hrs earlier, it was a helluva transition. It reminded me of something from Upton Sinclair's The Jungle. Can you say meat market?
Well, the next day involved 2, yes 2 fall festivals. Here's some pics from Pumpkin Fest, downtown Franklin.

Evan has been consuming civil war stories like candy corn...and it followed that he wanted to dress as a union soldier. Here pictured with Boba Fett. Evan says Janga Fett. I say Boba. Boba tea.

After a little convincing, Ella dove in for pictures. Also got shots with Queen Amadalla and Princess Leia.

Ok, I'm a fan, too.
__
From there we went to El Dia de los Muertos, at Cheekwood, a beautiful plot of land in west Nashville, with lots of art and lots of gardens. I remember a commitment in my heart that I'd return here a few more times. I'm considering a membership in the new year.

Lots of space for contemplation. This is the bamboo garden - there are a few places like this that seem to naturally absorb tension.

There were amazing crafts for the kids to do there, peasant style tacos (cilantro, diced onion, strange meats), Jarritos (fantastically oversugared mexican sodas) and Las Palatas (fantastically fantastic popsicles with real fruit). Evan and Chloe Dente are working on painting gourds.

Ella got some time with her best friend in the whole wide world, Julia. Her folks, Dave & Susan, the Dentes and I all did the circuit.

Lastly, there were scarecrows displayed with different themes. I had to snap a pic of this one. "Sunday Night Socialite." Fantastically trashy scarecrow.
I feel like the weekend was a long hug to my family, a welcome back from friends, and I'm one step closer to making it home again.

Woopsie daisies....

2007-10-25T02:22:00.000-05:00

Change of plans. I intended to head home tonight but it seems I've somehow been elected leader of a coup. What kind of coup, I'm not sure, but it's being fought in the hills somewhere.

Turn on, tune in, drop out, people. Kill your television. Steal this blog. The revolution starts now.

Africa

2007-10-22T08:05:00.000-05:00

So, as suspected, upon arrival in Kenya, I got my answer. I'm so glad to have come. My heart is re-engaging with Blood:Water, and I'm seeing a lot of personal work opportunities. Pen to paper, iPod shuffling. There's lots of healing sadness, joy, and hope to come through this.

Jena Lee, the director for Blood:Water has put together a great trip, and a great group of people to go. Some board members, Dan, and I. I should add that she gets married in 2 months. Amazing that she does all of this, and does it so well.

Here Jena and I eat some rabollo. Essentially, your mini-bananas. These would not fly in the US, as they are not super-sized.

Our first few days were spent living in the village where we've put in a clinic. Doing life out there is hard to describe. Terrifying. Pleasant. Mysterious. Beautiful. Here's the sunset from that first night.

I brought my birthday FIFA ball from the Dentes with me, and found great use there. It has a new home. This is Arestus. He played with me for quite a while, before it got too popular for us to continue in that manner. I should add that this is one of only a few times Arestus wore pants. According to his mother, he starts out with pants, but disagrees with them over time. Shirts, no problem.

Picture here are Peter, Suzi, Rose, Ezekiel...faithful staff at the clinic. Since opening last year they've seen over 6k people. Prevented many children from dying from malaria, just by simple blood test, diagnosis, and drugs. We hope to get HIV testing there, too. It was an out of body experience to work in the clinic. It's hard to describe, but I felt like I was watching myself from behind most of the time. Equal parts sad and joyful.

This is where I'll leave off. We visited some of the sites where we've put wells in, and heard from the women's groups that organized their communities. I've gotten to hug them, sing with them, dance with them, laugh with them, and even spoke in Luo to them. This picture is a familiar greeting as our van would drive up to the village. Much ceremony. Fully-embodied gladness.

The next picture is some orphan girls that danced for us. Their story of adoption by their community, the beauty of that dance...
It's really hard to relay this. I'm overwhelmed. The rain is falling in Rwanda now, and it's somehow a comfort in writing this. Joy, sadness, hope, beauty. Thank God for this.

FlibbiTV...playing the hits.

2007-10-13T22:01:00.000-05:00

I'm in California. Floating a bit, but then crashing on the rocks periodically. The tough conversations, check lists, opportunities to hope, and truth of all colliding in my head. It stills my hands, and glazes my eyes.

At night there are rabbit holes. I follow them around and stop short of apocalyptic ends, finding hope again in the things of the moment. God, it's hard work to stay there.

As I get ready for Kenya and Rwanda on Tuesday, I am playing the win/lose. Maybe it's my upbringing, maybe it's plain fear, maybe it's human nature. Maybe all of that. There's a sacrifice in leaving right now; the win in this won't be known until we touch down in Nairobi. Yet, the best thing for me right now may be to leave the country.

It will be a slow give. And I will come back different. Right now I wonder how that will impact the next few months. Ugh. One day at a time, or rather, as Bananie has said, one moment at a time. Always love.

Future unfettered.

2007-10-06T04:32:00.000-05:00

Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath
Gentle impulsion
Shakes me makes me lighter
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath
___

Yes, I'm late to some modern classics. This is no exception. I had this on repeat tonight all the way to CA. Something resolved and defiant about the melody. I am full of future prayers tonight, and this melody helped me fly.

The video interpretation brings new perspective. Rebirth.

Massive Attack, Teardrops. As relative now as 1998.

Girl, You Have No Faith In Medicine.

2007-09-22T19:22:00.000-05:00

So, in typical impulse, one afternoon before dinner, the kids and I put this together. I think it's ready for the internet.

We're making art here, people.

Bravery.

2007-09-20T19:32:00.000-05:00

I've received permission to post this letter a friend shared on her blog. I found it inspiring, and in the recent passing of the responder, a message to extend through all our days on earth.

dear anne,

thank you for your letter in january. i like the way you speak of "writing life alive". it's true that sometimes we must write our tears and hopes and fears on paper. mercy and reconciliation can come to us through story.

keep cultivating your work and remain brave in it.

blessings,
madeleine l'engle

My life in others' words...

2007-09-18T08:58:00.000-05:00

"If you could do it, I suppose, it would be a good idea to live your life in a straight line - starting, say, in the Dark Wood of Error, and proceeding by logical steps through Hell and Purgatory and into Heaven. Or you could take the King's Highway past appropriately named dangers, toils, and snares, and finally cross the River of Death and enter the Celestial City. But that is not the way I have done it, so far. I am a pilgrim, but my pilgrimage has been wandering and unmarked. Often what has looked like a straight line to me has been a circle or a doubling back. I have been in the Dark Wood of Error any number of times. I have known something of Hell, Purgatory, and Heaven but not always in that order. The names of many snares and dangers have been made known to me, but I have seen them only in looking back. Often I have not known where I was going until I was already there. I have had my share of desires and goals, but my life has come to me or I have gone to it mainly by way of mistakes and surprises. Often I have received better than I have deserved. Often my fairest hopes have rested on bad mistakes. I am an ignorant pilgrim, crossing a dark valley. And yet for a long time, looking back, I have been unable to shake off the feeling that I have been led - make of that what you will."

Wendell Berry from Jayber Crow

More vibes...

2007-09-13T21:46:00.000-05:00

I've run my course with this song, and somehow it comes back. Often. It's ringing on my phone, it's on myspace, it's in my sleep.

If I told you things I did before
Told you how I used to be
Would you go along with someone like me?

If you knew my story word for word
Had all of my history
Would you go along with someone like me?

...like water on a burning beach...

2007-09-12T11:51:00.000-05:00

Last night I went to see Crowded House play the Ryman auditorium. It was a really important night for me. A great grace.

It was taking in some beauty with the closest of friends. A big communal embrace. And all of it 4th row balcony, dead center, as Neil Finn sang:

Can you imagine that
an itch too sensitive to scratch
the light that falls through the cracks
an insect too delicate to catch
I hear the endless murmur
every blade of grass that shivers in the breeze
and the sound that comes to carry me
across the land and over the sea
And I can't look up
fingers of love move down

Truly, colour is it's own reward.

End of the Day

2007-09-04T10:13:00.000-05:00

I've seen the end of the day come too soon
Not a lot to say, not a lot to do
You played the game, you owe nothing to yourself
Rest a day, for tomorrow you can't tell
You can't tell

It's nothing that I haven't seen before
But it still kills me like it did before
No it's nothing that I haven't seen before
But it still kills me like it did before

I've seen the end of the day come too soon
Like the prison dogs they set out after you
You owe nothing to the past but wasted time
To serve a sentence that was only in your mind
In your mind

It's nothing that I haven't seen before
But it still kills me like it did before
No it's nothing that I haven't seen before

32 and counting....

2007-07-30T22:27:00.001-05:00

I've neglected to speak of my birthday. 32 years ago I was born around 6am. The celebration this year was a sweet time. I received lots of remembrances. My friend Joel told me they had my name in the paper with Kevin Bacon's as people of note who had birthdays that day. 6 degrees indeed. Hah. Angelica Houston, too, I think.

My book buddy Carlen gave me a hilarious card and my first Potter book. Imagine that. When I tell friends I haven't read any of the series, they look at me as if we use an outhouse at our home. Yes, I'm late on this one. The fellas got me a gift card for Barney Noble's Library(as a taxi cab driver once called it).

At home, where we have indoor plumbing, Lis made a cake, and we opened gifts. The best cake in the world, as far as I'm concerned. Homemade chocolate, with homemade chocolate icing. Whew.

My mom made that every year for me. A lot of love went into that. What I have grown out of is the request for creamed corn at dinner. Not so much anymore.

A flaming fury of candles shaped in a 32. I had lots of help blowing out the candles.

I opened some gifts as well. I received a lot of fun stuff from the gap.

Ella made me a heart at the ceramic art place. That one got me good.

I went out that night with Lis, David and Susan, and Scott and Christine. It was a great meal at Ichiban, one of the best sushi places in Nashville. Lis was a trooper, I'm sure she hated that - not a big fish fan. All in all, a good day. I felt love from all over, and put some of that in the bank.

Maybe I'm amazed...

2007-07-19T18:50:00.001-05:00

The summer feels like it's over. Probably because I stare at my calender and I see no gaps. The family calender on the table just says "SHOW" so God knows where I'll be, or if my family will know. Hah.

Maybe the better thing to say is my summer at home is over. Most of that time has been spent working on the house where our contractor quit (bastard), or driving to the studio in Nashville to create at breakneck speeds. The pace and feel of life right now is tough. I feel like I'm always teetering on the brink of a freak out or a shut down. I need to find the freedom to ask for what I need right now. Actually, I need to find out what I need. Hah. Good.

The world is alive to me right now...all things considered, that's good. I've chosen to be alive in it. The circumstances outside of work are not good. The work is good, but the hours are crazy. The schedule is impossible, and I await the other shoe to drop. We soldier on, right? Good.

I remember as a kid feeling like everyday had a mystery and a wonder all its own. Especially during the summer. I think I can have that now, too. It just feels buried underneath. In spite of evidence to the contrary, today and always I am a restored son of the sovereign Lord. Good.

Newfound beauty...

2007-07-05T22:14:00.000-05:00

This is a musical/visual mixture with some Antonio Carlos Jobim & Elis Regina, Audrey Hepburn, João & Astrud Gilberto, a dash of Stan Getz, sprinkled with Os Mutantes.

It describes this feeling I have of riding in a car on a warm fall morning, the ground still wet from the night's rain, with the early sun overwhelming my eyes, as I fight through the light to look out the window, anticipating a lovely meeting with someone who makes my heart climb up into my throat, making it difficult to talk.

Greg Kurstin & Inara George in all their classic '60s lounge pop art glory. Just listen. Or watch. I can't speak for the record yet, but I love this track. Again and again.

On independence day...

2007-07-04T16:01:00.000-05:00

in which celebrate the strength to push against a king who enforced his own rule of law, for the betterment of no one but himself and those he cared about. Not extending a justice that was for all people.

Crap and Pain!

2007-07-02T23:03:00.001-05:00

My good friend Thomas, found here, got his blog rated, and I thought it'd be good to get rated as well. Turns out I'm pretty risque. Based on how often I use "crap and pain" in my blog.

I'm thinking now of changing my writing angles up to include more blogs about poo and ouchies.

Date night...

2007-06-29T10:30:00.000-05:00

Ella and I had a night all to ourselves, as Melissa's at the beach and Evan's off to a campout with some of his friends. We got ready to drop him at the friend's house, and Ella put on her new shirt from the grandparents, her new purse, and matching "clomping shoes" to prepare for our date. They are referred to as that, due to the extremely loud clomping noise they make. It's like a clarion call that "SOMEONE IS DRESSED UP AND READY FOR SOMETHING SPECIAL!" Her choice for dinner?

The hibachi spectacular. Everything tastes like the two sauces they offer. Mediocre sushi. But there's fire, and lots of knife throwing. And that's pretty fantastic.

We shared some teryaki chicken, and enjoyed the show.

These sorts of reactions are becoming standard. She's a beautiful little nut. We finished, and she suggested that "...maybe we could go to chuck e. cheese's...and just play games, since we've already eaten dinner." $3 later, lots of tickets won, some meaningless plastic toys exchanged, and we were headed home.

We had to stop off at the store to get some milk, fruit, peanut butter, etc. (I'm in charge of these details, can you imagine??) While we were there, we got some cookie dough, made cookies and capped the night off snuggling in bed watching her christmas favorite, "The Happy Elf." She snored away as I watched the Daily Show. My heart was full.

The cycle.

2007-06-17T13:17:00.000-05:00

"All great spirituality is about what we do with our pain...you can obey commandments, believe doctrines, and attend church services all your life and still daily abort your soul if you run from the necessary cycle of loss and renewal..."

"The real point is not an endurance contest, but a course in listening, waiting, and hoping, which has the effect of deepening and clarifying desire."

"...By trying to handle all suffering through willpower, denial, medication, or even therapy, we have forgotten something that should be obvious: we do not handle suffering; suffering handles us - in deep and mysterious ways that become the very matrix of life and especially new life. Only suffering and certain kinds of awe lead us into genuinely new experiences. All the rest is merely the confirmation of old experience."

Richard Rohr
__

I desperately want to know what it means to feel life fully, and for that to feel shitty. And not try to fix it. Not try to medicate it.

I'm quick to fix. I long to numb my heart, because I am wired to believe that (lesson after lesson) I somehow deserve pain-free living. That's a lie I tell myself, and in such opposition to this gospel I profess.

When pain comes, I want to yell aloud, also find some stillness, some silence, and listen. I want to learn from the hard lessons, the painful renewal, not just get through it....as I realize that I can only offer to those I love only as far as I have come.

Some new vocabulary...

2007-06-12T06:00:00.001-05:00

As a now indy artist/small business owner, I've taken on quite a bit of new response-a-libities. These are all welcomed, however. Life has taken some large changes, some for the better, some seem to be that part of life happening. All in all, I'm learning a lot about myself, and that's eventually a good thing. For answering the where have you been question, go here.

A friend gave me these quotes from Buechner...

"...the air cleaved and folded back like a tent flap, to let a splendor in...and in that moment I was filled with such a sweet panic and anguish of longing for I had no idea what that my life could never be complete until I found it....It was the upward-reaching, fathomlessly hungering, heart-breaking love for the beauty of the world at its most beautiful, and, beyond that, for that beauty east of the sun and west of the moon which is past the reach of all but our most desperate desiring and is finally the beauty of beauty itself, of Being itself and what lies at the heart of Being.

Today I pray for response in my responsibilities. Something in kind. A signal.

I'm learning that my heart depends on it, and it's a much more serious pursuit than I've ever realized. God help me and those I love to find some beauty today.

Art Linkletter, etc.

2007-04-10T21:23:00.000-05:00

Ella and I ran to the Walgreens/CVS/etc. to get some shaving gel. I was way overdue. Grizzley Adams. Well, she brought her Hello Kitty wallet with her, and seemed intent on spending her 3 quarters, 1 dime, and 1 nickel on something. I asked her what she was needing, and she said a toy would be good to play with. So, we perused the aisle after I found said shaving gel.

We repeated the same exchange of "can I buy that?...that costs more than you have..." 5 or 6 times. Then we headed for the door.

At the car, she handed her wallet to me, and she opened the door, said,"That's what boys are good for."

"What are boys good for?"

"For holding my stuff."

__

We were headed to Mellow Mushroom and Evan saw a man smoking a cigar. He was reminded that a friend of ours smoked. And I told him, without thinking, that our friend did smoke, but stopped, as he and his wife were struggling, trying to have another child for their young son to grow up with and play with.

Evan said,"OH, I know what happens."

My back stiffens, expecting anything at this point. Oh geez.

He continues,"A man smokes, and then kisses a woman, and the smoke gets inside her mouth, too."

"Kinda, yeah."

__

Lastly, I want to thank Pacman Jones, soon to be former Titans football player who was arrested at a club where at one point he was throwing $80,000 in one dollar bills at some strippers. Guns were involved that night, and I think someone was shot, as per usual.

Well, Evan returned home from school today and said,"My friend whos dad plays for the Titans said Pacman Jones got arrested at a club where there were 3 naked ladies, and for spraying a drink on their privates."

I have no idea what to say. So I take the Ward Cleaver approach.

"That wasn't a very nice thing to do, was it?"

"No," he said. "Women don't like to be walked in on without clothes on."

"This is true."

Blah blah blah.

2007-04-08T23:27:00.000-05:00

Blah blah blah blah blah blah.Blah blah blah blah blah blah.Blah blah blah blah blah blah.Blah blah blah blah blah blah.Blah blah blah blah blah blah!!!!Blah blah blah blah blah blah.Blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Blah blah blah blah blah blah?????Blah blah blah blah blah blah.Blah blah blah blah blah blah.Blah blah blah blah blah blah.Blah blah blah blah blah blah.Blah blah blah blah blah blah.

stay tuned.

I heard this today...

2007-03-18T01:41:00.000-05:00

God's mercy
is not exhausted by time.

It endures forever, and that's a mighty long time.

but I'm here to tell you...

300.

2007-03-11T20:25:00.000-05:00

woah.

here we go.

wow, man.

huh?

holy crap.

you're kidding me.

$&%#!

El Laberinto del Fauno

2007-03-05T23:52:00.000-06:00

I have been in a rut recently, and really needed to take in some beauty. Living weighs heavily on me when there isn't an awe at some art or creation. I had the opportunity to do both...see mountains and see a movie. My heart is full tonight.

Evil was personified with a cold edge, and the fantasy, though full of childlike wonder, was not safe, but mysterious...quite scary at times.

Oh how I loved the ending.
__

We're in Salt Lake City, and walking back to our hotel, we discussed the notion of happy endings. Some people go to movies to escape, and to experience life, love, etc. in some even sense of "it's difficult, but it works out in the end." I go these days to feel. Sad or happy, I really want to be transported somewhere internally. Not manipulated, but provoked. I'm not sure that there's a difference, but my reaction to this movie, and to Children of Men was very strong, and I left with a sad and grateful heart, full of breath.

File under B for blind.

2007-01-27T10:23:00.000-06:00

Hogwash?

The problem facing us is "will we have the stomach to fight?" After the laughter dies down, I have this sense of fear that sets in. Dick Cheney thinks it's all about our gumption. I can't believe any man this hellbent on painting obscure word pictures and avoiding saying I was wrong could still be respected. To those folks driving around with Bush/Cheney '04 stickers in their windows...can you tell me what he means, because I don't hear a direct answer to anything.

My band of brothers has a phrase we use to acknowledge when someone has shared something, a feeling/hope/desire/etc. with no confusion. A statement that gets to the essence of their truth without distractions. We say it's a clean statement. Dick Cheney was not clean in his "sharing."

John Stewart helps me find some comic relief in it, but it's the kind of comic relief that involves poor Yorick's skull in the punchline.

File under C for cute observations...

2007-01-25T17:52:00.000-06:00

My son was explaining to me how he's tried to make friends with a new student in 2nd grade. He's feeling like the kid just doesn't want to be friends. "He didn't say anything when I said hi to him in the bathroom!"

From the other room on the toilet, my 4 yr old daughter says,"Maybe he didn't say hello because he was trying to concentrate."

Knock me out....

2007-01-17T23:55:00.000-06:00

The britophile lay dormant within me for quite some time. I spent a few months in and around London, and fell in love with the city and its culture. Ok, a few of the people, too. I wish I had better access to the music now. It tweaked me in a wonderful way.

XMU, the college station on satellite radio is my window into the new and sometimes brilliant. I've been hit upside the head again. Lily Allen. She's given me another peek inside UK pop culture that had me laughing the first time I heard the track. Check out "Knock 'Em Out" and "Smile."

She's adorably chippy, quite crass, and the beats are ridiculous. It's undeniable. "Not in a million years.....!"

I-L-L...I-N-I!

2007-01-06T15:31:00.000-06:00

We were gathering at my dad and step-mom's place for some post-holiday hang out. There's not a lot I can say on my end, but I've had some great talks while I've been here. Conversations some try to have beyond the grave, I've gotten to have now in the present. My heart is full. Thank you, God.

The other big news, and probably biggest news yet, is not about me at all. My brother Bill is getting engaged! He and his girlfriend Janice have decided to marry. They each have a daughter, and both seem excited about the idea as well. That'll be a journey too, but they are well-suited for it. So much excitement. A lot of love. And lots of food and drink this weekend, as well.

We froze ourselves getting a little outdoor time at the park. The house gets pretty small, so we needed to burn a little energy. Here's Papa and Evan.

Happy and cold.

Back in TN, we had friends come over on New Year's day to burn Christmas trees. Lots of fun, until we realized the food had been put downwind of the trees, so we had lots of ash on our buffet. Oops. Still one of my favorite things we do. A tradition that we'll probably continue for a long time.

I'm finding lots of gratitude for my friends & family today.

Pre-emptive New Year, Part 3

2006-12-31T22:48:00.000-06:00

It was on last night at a photography studio in downtown Nashville. A great opportunity to see friends rarely seen, and shake shake shake. A small cover charge, and we raised a little bit for blood:water mission, too.

A lot has happened this year. Old friends are reminders of constancy in change. It's good to look around and see those faces, especially as we close out a year, and ring in the next.

I held it down with my powerbook and the harddrive known on my desktop as "the party." The vibe was fantastic - christmas lights, old sci-fi movies projected on a huge white wall. I can't fail to mention that a good friend brought a big ole' Chimay.

Rihanna's Pon De Replay kicked out a spontaneous line dance.

I should explain that the historic (3 years running) roots of this event are born of some pre-emptive jokes about US foreign policy, and also the drag it is to get a babysitter on New Years' Eve. That's virtually impossible.

I hope your New Year leads you to some new sense of purpose, health, and hope. Cheers!

For Your Inner Child

2006-12-15T08:10:00.000-06:00

I found this the other day. A good moment to connect to the inner child, make a mess, and get creative!

December.

2006-12-01T10:21:00.000-06:00

I'm set to leave town for a week, to do some heart work. Before I left, I wanted to post a picture of my furry face, as I intend on shaving it off the day I return.

I hope your thanksgiving was sweet and full of gratitude. I'm learning that gratitude is turn-key for me to enjoying life in its fullness.

Also - I heard a story recently of a man that worked with Mother Theresa for a time, and was asked by her how she could pray for him. He said,"Clarity." Her response, paraphrased, was something like,"I will not pray for you to have clarity. That will keep you from trusting God. I will pray that you trust God."

I hope that you find gratitude and freedom to trust God in this season.

All I Want For Christmas...

2006-11-17T20:49:00.000-06:00

There are so many things I'd love to post about. It's been too long. The elections, Rumsfeld's resignation, my trip to Las Vegas, Malibu, visit from our friend Jude the Pilgrim, our remodeling work on the house...more to name as well.

There is a great story from last night that wins.

Evan twisted his second front tooth, and eventually pulled it out, just as he was to be tucked in bed. Ella is next to him in this picture, wheels turning. After praying, she said to me,"I don't want to lose any of my teeth."

As a friend said, once she finds out what is waiting for her under pillow, she won't mind the idea.

The Death of Adam, and why I love it here.

2006-10-30T11:48:00.000-06:00

I picked up a book by Marilynne Robinson the other day - Essays on Modern Thought. Impressive, huh? Yeah, dig me. I'm limping through this book like I have with similar literature. These are good quotes to show why - taken from the introduction (yeah, I'm not in the actual book yet.)

"I want to overhear passionate arguments about what we are and what we are doing and what we ought to do. I want to feel that art is an utterance made in good faith by one human being to another. I want to believe there are geniuses scheming to astonish the rest of us, just for the pleasure of it. I miss civilization, and I want it back."

______

The weather here in downtown is such that I had to pull over on the street a 1/4 mile away from where I was headed, so I could walk. It's just perfection. A breezy, sunny day, with red, orange and yellow leaves blowing across the street like they think they're in NYC.

I'm writing today. Watch me write. Write, boy, write. Beat down the inner-critic. Amaze yourself, and have courage to share it.

Study of aes·thet·ics...

2006-10-18T15:13:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time there was an ocean
But now it's a mountain range
Something unstoppable set into motion
Nothing is different, but everything's changed

It's a dead end job, and you gets tired of sittin'
And it's like a nicotine habit you're always thinking about quittin'
I think about quittin' every day of the week
When I look out my window it's brown and it's bleak

Outta here
How am I gonna get outta here?
I'm thinking outta here
When am I gonna get outta here?
And when will I cash in my lottery ticket
And bury my past with my burdens and strife?
I want to shake every limb in the garden of Eden
And make every love the love of my life

I figure that once upon a time I was an ocean
But now I'm a mountain range
Something unstoppable set into motion
Nothing is different, but everything's changed

Found a room in the heart of the city, down by the bridge
Hot plate and TV and beer in the fridge
But I'm easy, I'm open, that's my gift
I can flow with the traffic, I can drift with the drift
Home again?
Naw, never going home again
Think about home again?
I never think about home

But then comes a letter from home
The handwriting's fragile and strange
Something unstoppable set into motion
Nothing is different, but everything's changed

The light through the stained glass was cobalt and red
And the frayed cuffs and collars were mended by haloes of golden thread
The choir sang, "Once Upon A Time There Was An Ocean"
And all the old hymns and family names came fluttering down as leaves of emotion

As nothing is different, but everything's changed
______

Paul Simon has made a record that continues to ring in my ears. Nothing is different, but everything's changed. I like to think I'm now "shaking every limb in the garden of eden."

For me, I think that means a new pursuit of freedom. living life unbound by oh-so-familiar medications that culture is pleased to provide me, and looking at the disorder with which I've processed pain....to high dive into what looks from here like concrete. Beauty and sorrow are the netting which I am hoping will hold on impact. Sorrow is the immediate and more obvious of the two. The beauty is work. The stretch. The beauty is discipline. Today, I fly head first, hoping they are enough.

Chloe and Ella at the pumpkin patch. I think it's beautiful.

Still sitting still.

2006-09-16T21:52:00.000-05:00

I've been sitting here reading an article about Sudan, and this peace agreement that is up in just more than a week. It wasn't really even an "agreement." All parties would have had to sign for that.

When the African Union troops pull out, there will probably be a massacre.

I have a hunch the US is unable to send any troops, as they've been calling even 7-year retired troops back to serve in Iraq for probably over a year.

I'm feeling the full weight of this tonight.

Implicated.

I want to push against the paralysis of statistics and fears to hear one voice sound louder than bombs. Pray for Sudan and our leaders, that we'll respond as a nation to this injustice. It's a good way to show that our foreign interests aren't just revenge, oil and forcing democracy.

Dumbing up...

2006-09-15T23:24:00.000-05:00

We were in the airport this morning, flying to Baltimore, to play a gig on a boat. As we sat waiting to board, I caught the president in the rose garden, taking questions from the press. I copied an important part here.
_____
QUESTION: Thank you, Mr. President. Mr. President, former Secretary of State Colin Powell says the world is beginning to doubt the moral basis of our fight against terrorism. If a former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and former Secretary of State feels this way, don't you think that Americans and the rest of the world are beginning to wonder whether you're following a flawed strategy?

THE PRESIDENT: If there's any comparison between the compassion and decency of the American people and the terrorist tactics of extremists, it's flawed logic. I simply can't accept that. It's unacceptable to think that there's any kind of comparison between the behavior of the United States of America and the action of Islamic extremists who kill innocent women and children to achieve an objective, Terry.
_____
I think that he calls something "unacceptable" when he just can't comprehend the pot calling the kettle black. The definition of hypocrisy is this: The practice of professing beliefs, feelings, or virtues that one does not hold or possess; falseness. Maybe it isn't hypocrisy if he still somehow believes Islamic extremists are the only people who kill innocent women and children. I can hardly comprehend that. See the transcript.

Mirrors & Smoke...

2006-09-03T14:52:00.000-05:00

Here's a video done to a song we did on the new record, a duet with Leigh Nash. It's everything we suspected about superman, anyways.

I will neither confirm nor deny any involvement in the making of this. Enjoy it.

Help, in all it's forms...

2006-08-31T18:27:00.000-05:00

We just returned from a fantastic trip including LA, Seattle, and lastly Anchorage, Alaska. The time in Alaska was amazing. Medicinal. My thoughts were also with the Greenbelt festival in the UK, where Jude was rocking it Redemption-style.

I was flipping through my photo library on my computer and this one called for posting. It's a picture I took at what we thought was an orphanage. We went down the road of committing to fund water catchment tanks for this place, and a friend on the ground in Rwanda has uncovered the whole thing is a scam. Not even an orphanage. It makes me feel ill. I don't really understand what to think about it. At the end of the day, we want to help people. Those we met, like this child pictured, needed assistance with resources. Why should helping people be such difficult work?

Here is Lis, as we were being welcomed into another village. Singing, dancing. Joy embodied in the voices of people who live life on it's edge, and lean past the edge frequently. I saw her lean into the edge with them, receive the embrace and grab hands.

Second Printing...

2006-08-25T10:11:00.000-05:00

From my friend Jim's blog...

Garrison Keillor went to a ballgame the other day:

Seeing men compete at the height of their ability is pure inspiration these days, politics having turned so cheesy. What you thought of as civics turns out to be a basic service industry, like bartending but without the jokes. Politics today is about money. Abramoff was the rule, not the exception. The cultural issues, the Christian values, they are pure camouflage, and so is national security. Congress is mostly about serving its clients, who are not you or me, and now this gang of misfits, nitwits and yahoos is hoping that the arrest by British police of a band of terrorists might enable Rep. Blimp and Sen. Foghorn to play the security card once more. There is no limit to their brazenness. They would swipe your wallet and then return it for the reward. Lord, have mercy.

We have never (in my years anyway) seen this level of open cynicism in the White House – Congress, maybe, but not the White House. Not even in the Nixon Adminstration who at least had a sense of shame when they broke the law and the decency to try to hide their crimes. But these guys . . . When I see what they do in public, i cringe to think what's going on out of sight.

Morning with Noam Chomsky...

2006-08-22T08:41:00.000-05:00

There is nothing "gateway" radical about this guy. I've been reading his book "Hegemony or Survival," and it's giving me a lot to think about. I've taken to getting outside in the morning, as it's cooled off a bit, so reading and playing are more of an option. Ella rode her bike in the driveway and after reading, I got out my newly purchased cello and honked and squeaked for a bit.

Here's a photo from the video we filmed for the first single to AAA radio, called "Work." It was filmed in one take (six times) at a studio in LA, and we got soaked everytime. Lots of fun, and we had a great sushi dinner with Janet & Tera at management, and a new writer friend we met named Allen. He's a wonderful guy, and to hear his story was an honor. I love what music does to/for people.

More to come - I still want some reflection done on my Africa trip. I feel that's a gap in my heart right now.

Spontaneous cremation...

2006-08-14T08:34:00.000-05:00

My friend Jim brought his family over yesterday, and we were sitting around talking about this piano that I had been given from my Grandmother who had passed. It was a gift that held most value in memory. It had lost it's tune, and wasn't playable anymore.

Well, this is the solution we came up with. It would have cost too much money to repair the old spinet piano, and rather than pay some company to take it away, we moved it to the fire pit.

When it was all said and done, this felt like an honorable way to say goodbye.

It was an artistic sendoff, with lots of great visuals.

Unrelated

2006-07-15T16:07:00.000-05:00

If someone committed harakiri with a flare gun, is that the loud cry for help that came at the wrong time?

I've been busy elsewhere, but am not threatened by my absence here. I do want to say that I went bowling with Don Miller and Brian McClaren. That was a little out-of-body experience. I watched Brian blow up a strike to the future marching band pop grooves of "Hollaback Girl." What a world I live in.

Family fun...

2006-06-28T13:11:00.000-05:00

Getting plugged back into life here has not been easy. I've had some tough sickness that I believe personally is related to British Airways more than it is anything I ate or drank in Africa. Fever, Kenya's revenge, and a pretty consistent headache have overruled the days, and the rest of the family has been sick, so for the first time in my life, I've postponed sickness, in a matter of speaking. So, today, I crash hard.

Last night, we had a fundraiser at our AAA baseball team's home game. The Nashville Sounds. We played a pregame concert and one dollar from each ticket was donated to blood:water for drilling wells!

I met had the opportunity to deliver a ceremonial first pitch, and it went smashingly. I was low and inside, but if I was Greg Maddux, they'd have given me the strike. I got the "ooooo" from the audience, which was the best part for me.

Ella and Evan met Ozzie, and after the gig we hung in a skybox and ate hotdogs and drank c-dogs. :) It was wonderful. Lots of Samson folks came out, and many from Ella's preschool community, too! It was great to get some attachment with my Africa experience and my home community.

A brief summary out of sorts.

2006-06-23T02:01:00.000-05:00

I have some really good excuses as to why there haven't been updates. For better or for worse, we haven't had a lot of free-time. My battery is on it's last legs. Yeah, and that whole lack of power issue in villages. I didn't think about that beforehand.

I have so much to say right now. My head quickly starts to pound when I consider what to type. I'll give some highlights, and probably use the next few weeks to post some reflections on what I've seen, heard and felt.

This is a good summary picture. I've felt the newborn hope in the midst of great sorrow. For many reasons this is significant. The child I'm holding up is named Jena Lee. She's the namesake of our Blood:Water Mission director, who was visiting the village last year at the time this sweet little girl was born. The way they honor people is no where on the grid of what I understand as an American. The depth of grace, gratitude and passion these people have for life and community is like none other I've ever experienced.

Lis jumped in with both feet. This was a momumental shared experience for us. We were glad to be together to experience this. Many times we can live parallel lives, and appear together, but not actually living and sharing life together. This was a sweet time for such things.

This was a bridge we crossed to visit one of the only people in the surrounding community that was living publicly with HIV/AIDS. We had to walk a while to find her. The stigma attached to HIV/AIDS looms large there. People are abandoned by the community. I have many stories of great hope to bring to this, however. We finished late at night and had to cross this bridge by the glow of Dan's ipod. Note the sludgy water below.

She has 9 children to care for, including her husband's other wife's kids. They had both died of HIV/AIDS.

This is a shot from the inside of a village church. One of the genocide sites in Rwanda. We were there with Gary Haugen, of IJM, who was working for the state dept. in 1994 when the genocide occured. He says he no longer asks "Where is God?" in times like that, but "Where are God's people?" I lack the words to explain that day right now.

Our plane leaves Heathrow in moments. I want to say more, but that's to come. There is great hope in this land. It is the hope we share in America, though it's not as clearly marked for us, it seems. I leave with the gracious gift these people's stories, and I will carry them with me to America, to share in the larger story of our redemption and restoration as the well-loved of God. I'm so glad He knows me.

Inter-mosquito-net.

2006-06-13T16:01:00.000-05:00

We just got in to the overnight house in Nairobi. We'll be heading to some villages in Kisumu tomorrow. It's pretty exciting to arrive. There's a lot of unknowns still, but Jena and I had a conversation that helped articulate the mind-set in a way I can activate my heart.

We are here to celebrate. Celebrate the stories of these beautiful people, celebrate our relationships with them, and what God has done in our midst. There. That feels a lot less "here we come to save the day."

My ipod shuffle is nonstop with Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy." My favorite line, which I paraphrase:
"Oh, bless your soul...you think you're in control."

That's wisdom for this trip dropped to a hellafunky beat and guitar track.

We're officially on the ground!

Heathrow Airport

2006-06-13T02:56:00.000-05:00

Just talked to my dear friend Jude. What a strange world we live in. We're 25 minutes away from her. I wasn't aware of that yesterday in Nashville.

We slept well, and I watched "Good Night and Good Luck." SO important to take in now, in this world of slanted news, and press releases that paint inconsistent pictures with what's actually going on in the world.

Hm. Off to Nairobi shortly. Another 6 hours and things get really different.

Kenya and Rwanda

2006-06-12T07:29:00.000-05:00

Friends of this blog, those becoming fluent in flibbityflu...

Please direct some thoughts and prayers for me as we leave today. We're off to visit some villages, and see some wells that have been drilled in communities as a result of our work in blood:water mission.

It's going to be demanding physically, and we'll be staying in villages for at least half of the 10 days we're over.

I want to remain teachable throughout, and ease those feelings of USA entitlement that I carry with me. Bono's "where you live should not decide whether you live or whether you die" from How To Dismantle...is on the front of my brain. I'm not there to fix it - I'm there to learn from people who have had a radically different life experience than mine. To quote Dan on the new record,

"teach us how to learn, see the things you see,
walk the road you walk, feel the pain that you feel,
at your feet I kneel, I want to see you shine,
see your light not mine,
'cuz light gives heat.

I want to see the character of God in them, and I know I will. But that's scary, too.

I'll try to post some pictures and let you in on what we've been up to.

Much love.

A full plate, a full heart.

2006-06-05T08:21:00.000-05:00

It's been a difficult proposition to find blogtime. So, I've let a lot accumulate. Lis just had a birthday, which we'll celebrate this week. I'm excited to have her back after she took a roadtrip to Myrtle Beach.

We had a great visit with my dad and his wife. They are in a great season of life, and I'm happy for them. We are very active with them when they visit Nashville. Shopping, visiting places, exercise, etc. All followed with something off the grill and a great bottle of red. I need to be better about calling. They'll be watching the kids while Lis and I go to Kenya and Rwanda to see some well projects we've done with Blood:Water.

We ended up at the local renaissance fair this year. The weekend we went was called "Pirate Invasion." Evan came dressed in full costume as Jack Sparrow.

School ending has meant for some sweet time with the kids. Evan finished 2nd grade, and Ella's got one more year of preschool. Time is flying. They have lots of thoughts to share, and my goal for each day this summer is to engage them with encouragement, spirit, and love. Bottom line, enjoy them and stay present with them.

I've got an explanation for this, but I can't do it until it's announced. Let me say that I never thought I'd have a thing for acting. More on that soon.

We've completed our last record. It's our best effort yet, many have said, and I think we'd concur. What little I've shared with friends has gotten lots of animated response, and that excites me about the future. This is a shot taken from a video we dreamed up. The future of independence has it that we can have an idea, and we can try it. Even if it means wearing monster costumes.

The guaranteed reward.

2006-05-17T18:49:00.000-05:00

Did you do the right thing? Did you make the proper choice? Did it give you a sense of "ALRIGHT, I'm not wrong about this, and many people I know ARE!" No one was looking, and you demonstrated integrity. Given a great opportunity to cherry pick something SO easy - and you left it hanging. The feeling welled up inside, the adrenaline started pumping. And you pushed the impulse down underground. You didn't say the thing that you could have. Did that feel good not to respond as you know you could have and definitely had a right to do?

Where were the acknowledgements? Not guaranteed? What?! Where was the "Good Job!" Was that unspoken? Was the cupcake/candy/sweet thing/treat not waiting for you? OK, at least the warm feeling, right?

Nope. I'm tasting the indifference these days. We aren't promised any of the encouragements. I actually live that that's not true. I'm entitled! That's what I'm having to unlearn. In fact, somedays I feel like doing the right thing got me in more shit than had I not. That's exactly what I wasn't told growing up. Especially about the Gospel.

There is a lot of undoing to be done. It’s probably going to mean sitting in the awkwardness and emptiness more than would feel natural. I want to know this pain in a way I can name it, and be present enough to emerge from it as someone still with something to offer family and friends.

That's from a blog entry I did 2 years ago. Things don't seem to get clearer.

It should and does get more difficult. Being alive to my story is so hard sometimes, I want to go back to sleep. Which is why I am desperate for my community of friends. I need help carrying the weight. There are days where we need to be carried. Days where we need to carry someone. Maybe the knowledge of such intimates is itself the unspoken and seemingly illusive reward.

Did I miss something?

2006-05-09T16:37:00.000-05:00

"...my fellow Americans: Major combat operations in Iraq have ended. In the battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed. (Applause.) And now our coalition is engaged in securing and reconstructing that country."

— United States President George W. Bush, May 01, 2003

Emphasis mine; borrowed post from Hancock.

Mission Implausible.

2006-05-08T08:45:00.000-05:00

I have a beef with the most recent installment of MI:3. It's actually a beef with adventure/action movies in general. Every time something goes on in an elevator - it requires quick exit through the ceiling of the elevator. That I understand. A person can't plan for that. However.

I travel a bit, and frequently in the elevator, my gaze goes upward. Consistently, I see recessed lighting and mirrors. Carpet. Not obvious trapdoor escape hatches. How many of those elevators exist, and isn't that short of some building code? I digress...

I'm sad to see that this movie didn't open stronger in it's first week. The story is gripping, there are twists and turns, and the camera work is fantastic. The only question mark for the movie was the scientologically-informed actor, Cruise. Generally, the public is hating him.

I have to say he's a lot like some Christian artists I've heard speak. There is an unhealthy understanding and definition to their faith that informs their art in an extremely negative, co-opted manner. It appears Tom's scientology has sufficiently harmed the audience's ability to enjoy him as an actor. And that's too bad for MI:3. A good action movie complete with (yes, a spoiler) a daring elevator trapdoor escape hatch sequence.

Beauty and the feast.

2006-04-25T08:15:00.000-05:00

A friend shared a while back that if we don't take in beauty, we'll be taken out by it. I think that's turned quite true for me - it's a pretty missional thing to consider. The responsibility to seek out beauty, and wonder at it.

Recently, thanks to one of those ridiculous buy 2 get 9 free sales (something like that), I ended up with a lot of DVDs. One that hit me upside the head in this manner was House of Flying Daggers.

It's not even completely about the story, it's just as much the aesthetic of the movie. I think the same goes for music. It can't be just the truth, as another friend has said. It's got to be truth with meaning. That's where the beauty is in it's fullness. I'm feeling that the longer I live, the less attuned my heart can get to such things. This is where I feel that second and chosen naivete or innocence is so important.

Ella Observations.

2006-04-19T08:10:00.000-05:00

In accordance with the equal time policy on this blog, and trying to be fair and balanced, I have a small story from today, already.

We have a morning ritual of joining with Evan while he waits for his bus. I try to pray with him, if but for a second, and give a few hugs. This isn't out of fear, as much as I might sometimes feel. I actually think a boy who knows he's well loved can fight well in the world.

So, getting outside early, Ella and Evan skateboarded around for a bit. As we walked up the driveway it looked pretty grey. As Evan's bus left, I turned to Ella and said,"It looks like it's going to rain today." To which she said,"Yes, Dad. It's going to rain because all the birds are in the trees, in their nesteses."

I don't know if that's scientifically true, but you probably guessed that I believed it.

First of many...

2006-04-10T23:40:00.000-05:00

Evan has been working on a couple of loose teeth, one destined to be his "first" lost tooth. Well, he lost it at school, and then literally lost it on the way home. So, we delayed the Tooth Fairy's visit until he recovered it. Evan recalled it blowing out the window on the bus, so we walked a quarter mile area to find it.

On our way home from the failed tooth hunt, we got a call from the bus driver, and it was left on the bus! So, there will be a tooth exchange with the Tooth Fairy!

It reminded me of a little letter writing I did as a kid, corresponding with the Tooth Fairy. I had a lot of questions. I'd put a letter under my pillow, and get a response the next morning. I'm sure my mom enjoyed writing those notes for the first 2 or 3 days in a row, and then started to discourage further written exchanges, when I kept at it. Kids...

Unlearning

2006-04-08T10:52:00.000-05:00

Enlightenment is not so much knowing as unknowing; it is not so much learning as unlearning. It is a second and chosen naivete, without forgetting all the contradictions and complexity in between. It is more surrendering than concluding, more trusting than fixing and all gratuitous grace, for which you can only give thanks. You cannot get yourself enlightened by any known program, ritual or moral practice. This drives the religionists crazy, but as Jesus said, the Spirit blows wherever it pleases. All you can do is stay on the journey, listen to its lessons, both agony and ecstasy, and ask for that most rare and crucial of gifts: true openness, which Jesus called trust or faith.

All we can really do is to keep our ego out of the way and ask that we will recognize the secret doorway that God opens out of complex consciousness. That door is usually some form of suffering.

-Richard Rohr

IT IS ON.

2006-04-07T21:29:00.000-05:00

Good friends of this blog. You've been a part of a slow movement. It's happening. I check the comments over at the "spiral" and see that we are getting some traffic. Word is spreading - people are spiraling.

Surprise

2006-03-31T11:25:00.000-06:00

Favorite new lyric from the album. From the one we mixed today:

we are so beautiful when we sleep
hearts of gold
and eyes so
deep deep deep
but love won't cure the chaos
hope won't hide the loss
peace is not the heroine that shouts above the cause
love is wild for reasons
hope though short in sight
might be the only thing that wakes you by surprise
surprise

Mixed in a big bucket with a stick.

2006-03-30T12:18:00.000-06:00

One of my favorite albums, has that written in the liner notes. That's where we are today. Mixing. My family is out of town, so it's just Peanut and I. We have a very tenuous relationship. Well, we're getting to know each other.

I'm taking her to work. Here she is, picking a warm spot underneath some Massenburg Equalizers. She's adapting well. My adaption work is this: I'm coming to terms with the end of our recording contract. There's a lot in our story, good and bad, wrapped up in that world.

Vance Powell, good friend and front of house mixer for 4 years, joins us again. He's making sense of all of our tracks. It's been the best it's ever been, partly because of the material, and also because we've been surrounded by friends. Happy!

Shame on you.

2006-03-27T12:21:00.000-06:00

Big news in blogworld. There's a new link on my site. This blog is, as it states at the top of the page, "a celebration of the cyclical nature of self-pity, entitlement, and self-loathing." I believe there's a lot of good humor to be found in these places. So, enjoy the guilt and shame with us.

My morning glory...

2006-03-22T16:27:00.000-06:00

I've been recovering some headspace in a wonderful way. Impossible to sustain, however. $7 breakfast out quickly becomes a $35 week. This labor of love takes place at the Frothy Monkey, on 12th Ave. Here's what it looks like:

Granola, blueberries, strawberries, and bananas. The best cup of coffee in Nashville. My morning pages, and a Richard Rohr book. The morning pages are a most significant part of my story these days. It clears the slate creatively, and a month into it, I've finally gone back and read some of what I've written. I'm actually getting some insight. Some dots are connecting.

Stream of consciousness writing for a bit, eat the cereal, read, underline things, and sip coffee. What a life.

Finishing Touches

2006-03-16T09:43:00.000-06:00

We're into the last days of recording. It's been a process full of creativity, relationship, and honesty. A beautiful palette from which to make music. There really is a sense of freedom here. It's drawn me in a great compassion for young musicians. When identity as an artist and ability to execute are in play, there's a lot of fear. That makes it difficult to be creative.

Thankfully, we've enjoyed 13 years of processing those ideas, and developing the freedom we now know. Those chips aren't on the table. We're human. We're creative. We're for each other - creative advocates. And it feels like we're all for the music reaching a great end. Pictured is Kim Fleming, who sang with us on a few songs. This has been a sweet season.

This day is for you...

2006-03-07T08:48:00.000-06:00

There are few moments in someone's life like their wedding day. Some people are tentative and careful (ask me about mine), trying to acknowledge the weight of such implications on their lives.

Others shriek with joy and find exaltation in the moment. Being at Bryan and Melissa's wedding this weekend was a combination of all things. Leaning in to the moment with childlike wonder, and a feeling that life is gloriously forever changed.

They both were beautiful. Alive and glowing. It was a sweet time with lots of friends and family.

So, in honor of Bryan and his lovely new wife Melissa, I say congratulations. I pray you have the freedom that comes from knowing how well loved you are, and how then you are freed up and provoked to love well and trust.

The 30's club

2006-02-21T14:29:00.000-06:00

Jeremy, drummer of drums, turned 30 this week. We were in Spokane, and enjoyed a night on the bus full of Usher, Faith Evans, balloons and a fantastic cake. Followed with a great steak in Bozeman, Montana at a micro-brewery. He's a guy I'm truly honored to know.

He's a champion of many things this season. Engaged to be married, he's arranging the details on the road, which reminded me of my own story. That's a tough time...however, to a great end. Congrats, Jeremy.

Freddy and Fredericka.

2006-02-18T13:57:00.000-06:00

I think reading can be viewed like jogging for me. When I've not been in the habit, it's hard to start again. Flights are great opportunities to launch back into it, and I realized with 4 hours to Sacramento, I could do a lot of damage.

Well, I labored over this book for a while. My dear friends Nate and Scott turned me on to Mark Helprin's writing at my 30th birthday party. I started with Memoir From Antproof Case, and now this. He's written quite a bit and I've got more to go, but I can tell Helprin will exist in my reread for pleasure stack.

He writes about men and women with great wisdom. A keen observer of their hearts and how they differ in their souls' conflicts. He glories in that. The 2 stories I've read have beautiful absurdity, and a turn towards the profound from the ridiculous in just a sentence.

That may be why I love his books so much - I aspire to be both ridiculous and profound in my own way.

IF I WERE PRESIDENT, by Evan Mason

2006-02-14T15:15:00.000-06:00

These were some things I copied from his paper he worked on at school. This was some serious joy-giving. Here's what he wrote:

take a hot bath. rid a drt bick. defintly wach star wars. reed a book. play on playgrand.

People, this is a place to start.